Keeping It Alive
Posted by Claire Elizabeth Saxe on 5/21/2007
Even before reahearsals began, I often found myself preoccpied by the prospect of the most basic, fundamental element of this process upon which I was soon to embark. The thought that kept my mind anxiously racing, distracted me from my gleeful anticipation of the first rehearsal, tainted my excitement: How am I going to do eight shows a week for two and half months?
Soon after this concern first manifested itself in my mind I began to construct this highly dramatized anxious fantasy in which my inability to sustain exhuberance and dedication would lead to the downfall of the show. In this fantasy, I come into the green room, before maybe our 10th show and begin doing my hair and makeup, when I am suddenly struck by a wave of overwhelming exahaustion at the thought of doing the show again. Despite my best efforts to conjure up any little bit of enthusiasm, I find myself completely uninspired, unable to muster up the drive to go on. At this point my imagination would pan over to the faces of my fellow actors, staring at me, looking dejected and regretful. One of them would usually shake their heads sadly and then lead the cast away from me with a murmer of disdain. We would then do an awful show, after which the audience members would leave grumbing about the declining quality of theatre these days and the obvious shortage of good teen actresses, thus signifying that I had ruined Steppenwolf’s repuation as well as destroying any prospect of my future career as an actress.
Fortunately, as is often the case, this highly dramatized scenario which played on repeat in my mind could not have been further from the truth. I have been delighted to discover that, far from daunting, the prospect of each performance is exciting to me. I find myself after mere hours away from the theatre anxious to get back and do the show again. There is a live fluidity, a constant sensation of growth and motion with this show, a feeling of life that makes me eager to return to the world that I once foolishly feared getting tired of.
I have been amazed and delighted to discover the ways in which the show has grown. I find that with each performance I grow more comfortable in the world of the play, and I don’t feel that this comfort has lead to complacency or monotony. Rather the comfort allows me to live and grow and explore as Anne in ways that I couldn’t before. It’s all come to feel more natural, more real. I feel now like I’m able to listen more acutely, be more open and more aware of everything that’s going on aroud me, devote more energy to watching my fellow cast members - an opportunity for which I am so grateful. I absolutely love being on stage with this incredible group of people. I’m excited to see how the show will continue to mature as we progress.